The Case Against Toys part 2

Sunday, February 16 3:36pm

Re-reading The Case Against Toys reminded me of the joy of being toy-free.  There has been a lot of conflict between the boys lately (fighting, name calling, selfishness, and tattling) and many discipline issues (bad attitudes pertaining to school work and housework, disrespect, and disobedience).  It felt like there was always some problem, always someone who was grumpy, always something for someone to be upset about.  I needed a plan.



Sunday, February 16 5:23pm



Initially I just cleaned up everything, culling away the obvious, putting like items in their organizational bins.  Order always makes things feel a little bit better.  The problem is this is a temporary solution.  The peace that it brings is fleeting because there is still too much stuff and it always gets scattered again.  Within a day the frustrations return along with the bad attitudes.  I took the next step.

 

Tuesday, February 18

 It took less than an hour to put all the toys in an unused closet.  I took almost everything, including excess decorations, from the play spaces.   I wanted a peaceful, zen-looking area that would facilitate the moods and behavior I was after.  I was a little nervous about the boys' first reactions but they were ecstatic*!  They loved the way their room and the play area (above) looked.  I left the books, the art supplies, one special stuffed animal for each boy and the outdoor toys such as bikes and balls.  Everything else was removed.  Even the excess clothing.



 

 

 

 

It has been a month now.  I originally had planned to do this for four to six weeks and then gradually allow some toys back into our living space but I'm not ready and neither are the boys. I love the changes it has brought in our day-to-day life.

 

There are three reasons I think this has worked so well.

 

1) My mind is clearer.  My mood and level of creativity is greatly impacted by my environment.  I find it hard to take on new projects or even complete overdue tasks (I'm talking to you, Christmas gifts, that are still waiting to be mailed out!) because of the stagnation a cluttered space creates.   I feel annoyed and irritated when my home is cluttered and so my time is spent either procrastinating/avoiding or cleaning up.  It feels like I'm perpetually dealing with the past more than living in the present, always being reactive rather than proactive.  I don't like it.   Removing the toys ultimately makes me happier.  And everyone knows when mama is happy...

 

 

2) There are fewer distractions.  Elio, especially, is very easily distracted.  And when your schoolroom is also your play area, it is easy to find yourself pushing around a Hot Wheels car instead of reading.  The constant temptation and desire to play is a strong pull for Elio and a source of discontent for me.  I'm working really hard to strengthen my own daily discipline and in turn I'm trying to teach the boys the same.  The elimination of toys virtually eliminates the incessant dawdling and hopefully will cultivate an improved ability to focus for the boys.

 

3) Our lives are easier.  There is very little cleaning up to do in the house which means we all have more time to play outside.  The boys fight less because for some reason, even though we have bins upon bins of Legos they often always need the exact same piece.  Or someone's Lego truck was dropped by another.  Or the mess is my brother's, not mine, so why do I have to help clean it up!?  We don't have that

 

Elio, just yesterday, tossed his arms around me and said, 'We don't fight as much anymore.' He is exactly right.  Things have become more peaceful in the house.  And I fully attribute it to taking away the toys. 

 

This experience reminds me of a TED talk I watched recently called 'Embrace the Shake' in which the speaker asks 'Could you become more creative by looking for limitations?'  I suggest everyone watch it.  If I knew how to embed it here I would, but since I don't:

 

http://www.ted.com/talks/phil_hansen_embrace_the_shake

 

The Case Against Toys

I wrote the following essay over a year ago but have recently become re-inspired by it.

 

The Case Against Toys

I have taken my sons’ toys away.  It sounds dramatic, or rather traumatic, but it isn’t; they have barely noticed. 

The process has been gradual.  A few years ago I read a thought provoking article called Headgates in which the author describes the way she has organized her family life in order to facilitate a classical home education for her children.  This article inspired me to rid our family of a large portion of my children’s toys in favor of a carefully selected assortment of our most wholesome playthings and books.  There were a great many benefits as you may well imagine and the only negative I have seen is my bedroom closet is filled to bursting with items I didn’t want the boys to have ready access to and which I wasn’t ready to part with immediately.

Over the years I don’t feel at all that we have a paucity of toys for the children.  In fact, it always seemed I was still reminding the children too many times a day to pick up this and put away that.  It was a part of parenting that I truly disliked. 

One day I had a beautiful thought that if we were to be blessed with another young child joining our family, I would not buy her any toys.  Toys suddenly seemed very unnatural to me, a modern fabrication disguised as a necessity.  A child with no toys is deemed deprived.  Toys represent our love for our children.  Great mamas highly anticipate Christmas mornings knowing the newest creative building manipulatives and Lego Mindstorms are wrapped and ready to inspire.  Toys are the way we now provide for our well-loved children.  But it wasn’t always this way.

(This is where I should enter some historical data about how quickly toys have overtaken our lives in the past 75 years but I don't feel like doing that right now and don't want to delay posting this indefinitely while I wait to get inspired to do the research.)

I watched my children interact with their toys.  I saw the pieces forgotten on the floor or piled in an unusable heap upon the table.  I saw the careless play that resulted in broken or lost parts, chaos reining.  Sure, they enjoyed playing with their toys but they had no respect for them, no real love for them.  I struggled day after day to come up with a sufficient enough organization system to make it all work.  I spent precious time trying to teach my children ‘discipline’ – ‘let’s clean up your room together!’  I spent even more time actually cleaning it up myself.

Elio's play area, in a typical state of disarray

My dislike of toys goes much further than my own home.  I think about the factory workers toiling long, dangerous hours to make these toys and the resulting pollution spewing from the factory soiling their rivers and air.  I think about the inevitable long journey from a toy’s place of creation to an American warehouse and the necessary infrastructure needed to make that possible.  My own community is defiled also – ToysRU eye-sores and UPS trucks delivering my precious (said while greedily rubbing one's hands), yards and houses littered with toys long forgotten, Little Tyke playhouses fading in the sun, landfills bulging.  It disgusts me.  I see the earth’s resources being plundered so wealthy countries can give their darling children toys.  And for what?  A toy’s lifespan is so very short.  The joy or benefit a toy brings is measured in minutes or hours but its effect on the Earth will last for decades or even centuries.  The majority of toys are creativity-stifling, jealousy-generating, chaos-creating, Mama frustration-building, resource-wasting soon-to-be pieces of garbage.  Hmmm, not the least bit opinionated here.

What about the ‘good toys’?  The wooden blocks, the handmade Waldorf dolls, the Sara’s play silks?  Yes, these are pleasant toys to look at and can offer years of unstructured creative play.  But the desire of the parent to fill up a child’s room with even these ‘wholesome’ toys is wrought with many of the same problems - enormous expense, filled bedrooms, the desire for possession or worse, collection ('I want the whole set!'), and ultimately waste. 

I find my children are much more peaceful when they have no toys around.  There is less bickering, more cooperation.  Their play is more open, more joyously shared, more imaginative.  Their play is more active and more often outdoors.  They engage with nature and use her creations for their playthings.  Sticks are incredibly popular, as are rocks, mud, trees, frost, caterpillars, puddles, pinecones, leaves, hills, dirt, trails, tadpoles and creeks.  Nature's playthings don't cause the same turmoil in my home that Hot Wheels and Legos do.  The more I remove of the store bought things, the better my children become.

 

Creating Creative Time

It is time for some changes.  My youngest child is turning eight years old next month.  For the past 17 years my mind and days have been occupied with four children who, over the years, have come into my life to enrich and challenge me as only your own children can.  While they still enrich, challenge and occupy my days, I have no ‘little ones’ right now so I am beginning to feel a space opening up in which, if I am careful, I can craft nicely into Creative Time.   

Elio before his first BMX race of 2014.

The problem is that my lifestyle and skill set isn’t set up to allow for creative time just yet.  My two youngest children homeschool so we’re together all day and their academic work is time-intensive for me.  I am constantly behind in housekeeping, menu planning, letter writing, and homeschool planning.  I can’t seem to make myself follow a schedule no matter how simple it is.   My New Year’s resolutions from the past six years have been on repeat – every year I write about the same small handful of goals that I desperately want to accomplish and yet never do.  You can probably guess what they are; I imagine similar goals show up on the majority of New Year’s resolution lists.  Most people want the same things in life: a healthy body, a happy mind, loving relationships and time for creative endeavors.   It’s pretty simple, really.  And yet I could list dozens of reasons why these goals continue to elude me.

Shannon and Joe pre-party in Seattle.

I have taken this on as my challenge.  In order to Create I need to find solutions for the everyday hindrances that stand between me and my vision.  In essence I want to work on the problem from two sides: I’ll create a lifestyle that facilitates Creative Time while working on the actual projects. 

These are the guidelines I’m starting with:

1) Healthy Body.  I can’t give my all to anything if I’m not feeling well physically.  What are the minimum habits I need to feel good?  Sufficient sleep, daily exercise, time spent in nature, being well hydrated and eating for energy.  The specifics of each of these needs to be worked out.

2) Simplify the Present.  A tidy and uncluttered space does wonders for my mental health and my mood.  I can think of very few things that impact my sense of well-being and happiness like a clear space.  I am an intense minimalist; I have not even admitted to myself just how little I like around me because it seems incompatible with the life I’m living.  How can one be a minimalist with four children and 15 pets (if you count all the fish as one)?   My plan is to create a system to go through every belonging we own to remove what is unneeded.

Joe, Armand and Elio launching two rockets they made.

3) Systematize Everything.  I’m going to put all the repetitive tasks of my life into a system that meets my standard of ‘good enough’.   For example, to be content my floors don’t need to be mopped every week or even every other week, but the house does need to be vacuumed every day.  By creating systems I’ll be able to free up hours in my day and space in my brain, both of which I need for Creative Time.

4) Schedule Time, Not Content.  This is a principle of the Thomas Jefferson Education philosophy that I love and that I struggle with.  Dedicate time for each system and use that time wisely to accomplish goals for each aspect of your life.  Remember Parkinson’s Law: ‘Work expands so as to fill the time available for its completion.’  Don’t put off meaningful work while you try to get the rest of your life in order.  It is never all ‘in order’.  I need to create a weekly routine that allows time for everything I want to get done.  The problem is I’ve never been able to follow any schedule I’ve set up, not even for one day.  It is a great challenge for me and yet I think if I can learn how to follow a schedule I’ll find a great deal of freedom and contentment.

This is not necessarily a well thought out list of what I need to do to be able to work on my creative projects.  These just seem like the most obvious place to start and each one has plenty of areas where I need to improve.  I don’t want to spend too much time planning out how to do this.  I think jumping in just may be the most direct route to where I want to go.  I’ll work with these guidelines for now and tweak or change them when that is needed.

NYC!

Be forewarned there are entirely too many photos in this post.
 
Eiley won first place in a national science competition in which she had to design a space themed Rube Goldberg contraption.  Here's a link to an overview of the design.  The prize was an all expense paid trip for three to NYC with two nights in Le Parker Meridian, driver service, and tickets to the premier of the movie Gravity with a chance to meet the stars, Sandra Bullock and George Clooney. 

 



 

Eiley and her best friend, Morgan, after unpacking in our hotel room.  We were on the 21st floor.  We thought about going to the Metropolitan Museum of Art, a Broadway play or the Central Park Zoo but we ended up just exploring the hotel and walking through Central Park on the way to meet Caroline for dinner at Sarabeth's.  The food was truly incredible and it was so much fun to see Caroline.  Caroline and I had steak and the girls ordered 'adult' grilled cheese on a pretzel roll and tomato soup.  Caroline and I shared some wine (recommended by Morgan as her mother's favorite) and we all shared a blueberry crisp with ice cream for dessert.   

at Sarabeth's

Part of our prize was $150 per night for incidental at the hotel.  The first night the girls ordered milkshakes through room service, just for the extravagance of it.  The next morning we had a huge breakfast. 

 

 
 
On the top floor of our hotel was the indoor pool, and a cat walk to view the city. 
 

 

Morgan was scared of the heights...

 

but overcame the fear to pose for a moment with Eiley.

In the hotel was a salon called The DryBar where they wash and style your hair.  They said walk-ins were welcome but when we went to make an appointment for the late afternoon they said they were filled for the whole day.  Who would have thought that service would be so popular?  They referred us to Salon Ziba down the street, and after spending half an hour to find it, we made an appointment for the girls to get their hair styled at 4:00.  We had smoothies for lunch, then returned to the hotel to get a little break from the noise, chaos and smells of the city.
 

from this...

to this.

And from this...

to this.

We were all delighted with the experience but when they were done we had only 20 minutes to find our way back to the hotel and get dressed before our ride arrived to take us to the premier. 
 

in the SUV on the way to the premier

looking like a movie star!

Caroline, it is a good thing you didn't come to take photos of us on the red carpet.  We didn't actually walk on it.  When I called our contact from Warner Bros to say we had arrived, she was inside and directed us how to get in via a side door.  I didn't realize until too late that it meant we weren't getting a chance to go in walking the red carpet.  The biggest disappointment for Eiley, the only disappointment really, was that we did not get to meet Sandra Bullock.  Kevin, the representative from Iridescent (the parent company of Curiosity Machine who hosted the contest) was continuing throughout the movie to try to get us the opportunity to meet SB but it didn't happen.  We did see her in the audience, sitting about eight rows behind us.  There were other famous folks there also - George Clooney, Jon Stewart, Katie Holmes, Emma Stone and probably a lot of others - but we didn't recognize any of them; Eiley had eyes only for Sandra.  Sigh.

inside the AMC Lincoln Square Theater

Eiley with her on-line mentor for the project, Bonnie Lei - wearing their 3D glasses

Eiley and Morgan after the movie, since we didn't have time beforehand



at our 9:45pm dinner reservation at Max Brenner following the premier...
we had a delicious crispy pizza and chocolate fondue

 

Eiley woke the next morning and finished up her homework then we had another delicious, decadent breakfast in our room.  Eiley had cheesecake and a plate of fruit and Devonshire cream, Morgan had 'grown up' grilled cheese and fries.  I had a Belgium waffle!  The girls had milk, I got a fruit smoothie and we shared a basket of Norma's sweet breads.  The cost was $140.

 



 

 

 

Now for a look around the hotel room...

 

 

a tv that swivels from the living room to the bedroom

 

 

I loved the walk in shower which was ~8 feet long with no doors, only a plate of glass

 

 

The price list for the above wet bar.  Yikes! 
I had several of the $6 waters, and Eiley had two of the $5 Cokes.

 

It was a wonderful three days full of excitement, new experiences and a lot of extravagance.  Iridescent did a wonderful job taking care of us.  We felt so pampered and cared for.  I didn't realize how much I would appreciate having a driver (who also drove George Clooney earlier that day) was waiting for us all evening to take us where we wanted to go.  We felt really safe even though we were in a big city none of us were familiar with.  And Eiley and Morgan were so much fun to be around.  This is going to be a hard vacation to top!

Precious Life



to Chilli~

 

Remember when you were here are you found the baby squirrel that had fallen out of its nest onto our porch?  This is what happened today...

 

Eiley, Armand, Elio and I were doing stretches on the floor.  I was sore because I've started doing Crossfit and Armand was sore because he has started running for exercise.  As we were stretching we heard an unusual noise outside and noticed a strange acting squirrel.  Soon we discovered a baby was laying on the porch again, exactly where it was last time.  We had a heavy rain storm last night and I guess the nest wasn't up for it.  I picked it up and was wondering what to do when Eiley came outside to bring Olive in.  She squealed and ran back in because she almost stepped on a second baby I hadn't noticed.  Both were uninjured.

 

 

The mama was definitely interested in having her babies back but we wanted to get them in a safe place away from our cats and Arria.  The babies were so precious to hold and cuddle, so fragile and sweet.  They were cool to the touch so we tried to warm them by holding our hands over them, then put them in a basket with a warmed bean bag and a towel.   In the picture above, the brother is on top and the sister below. 

 

We decided to hang the basket in a tree hoping the mama would retrieve them and take them back home.  We watched for a while but the mama stayed high in the tree making unhappy squirrel noises.  I put a little food for her on the ground and a bit in the basket thinking she didn't know where they were but maybe the smell of food would get her attention.  About an hour later I called a local wildlife organization to make sure I was doing all I could to get her to take the babies back.  We really didn't want to give them to a rehabilitator like we did last time.  I was told we were doing everything right and to call back if they were still there in three hours.  When I was on the phone I noticed the mama was coming a little further down the tree towards the basket.

About an hour later Eiley went outside to see how they were doing and came in excitedly saying 'They are gone!'  The mama had gotten her babies!  It was a great relief and we all felt successful in reuniting the family.  And we all wished we could hold the babies again!  Oh they were precious!



Eiley removing the basket from the tree once it was empty.

 

Florida

For the past several summers, Noah has gone to spend a week with my mom during the summer.  He enjoys visiting with her, working on a project or two with Poppa, hanging out with his friend Jesse and generally being away from his immediate family, I think.

This year Eiley, Armand, Elio and I tagged along.  We planned to spend a few days all together, then Armand, Elio and I would scoot over to the other coast to meet up with Amelia, Elio's Guatemalan cousin, whom we've only met once before when the kids were 3 years old.

We went to the Ponce de Leon Springs where we had all-you-can eat, make-at-the-table pancakes in a very hot and crowded restaurant.  This is a tradition for Noah's summer visit, always bringing Jesse with him, but this year I decided I think I'd prefer to save the $80 that breakfast costs for 7 people, make all-you-can eat pancakes at home and go to a less crowded, more spring-y spring next time.  Mom said you can't break with tradition, and maybe she's right, but I think I'll try to start a new one the next time we visit.

We went to Sandestin Resort in Destin, FL to meet Amelia's family who was coming from Louisiana. It was a perfect location that Amelia's mom suggested.  They have luxurious apartments, activities to entertain the whole family, great restaurants that were surprisingly reasonably priced, beautiful pools, and paths to walk or bike along.

Elio, as soon as he saw Amelia, because incredibly shy and ran into the bushes.  He had not mentioned feeling shy at all so his behavior came as a surprise to me.  He took a long time to come out of the bushes and when he did, he was aloof and wild acting.  Dear Amelia clearly wanted to talk with him but all he could do was run and hope she'd chase him.  (Luckily she did.)  He seemed like he truly didn't know what to do with himself and all his emotions.



Elio with too much energy for a photo shoot
 

feeding fish
 

Elio and Amelia tried bungee jumping
 

 

 

 

 

I think Armand felt a bit of a third wheel.  While we always call Amelia the 'boys' cousin', it is well known that she is Elio's cousin really.  And Amelia had definite eyes for Elio.  I love the photo series below from our breakfast the morning after meeting. 

 



Elio stealing a look at Amelia

Amelia glancing back at Elio

Elio getting nervous because Amelia is talking to him

'What??' 

Soon after these photos were taken we wanted to give Amelia a little gift and Elio was so nervous he left the table and didn't return until the food was served.

After breakfast we went swimming in the pool. Amelia brought water squirters for the three of them so Elio and Amelia were on one team and Armand the other. After a long time Armand asked if he and Amelia could be on one team against Elio.  Amelia said no.  He asked if he and Elio could be against her and she said no again.  She said 'I won't shoot my cousin' to which Elio replied 'I will!'  So much of their interaction seemed classic boy-girl.  I felt like I was getting some clues about what they'll be like with their first crushes. 

driving boats
 

waiting to bungee jump again
 

Elio finally feeling a little more comfortable
at the end of the second day
 

Amelia and Elio gearing up to ride a zip line

Amelia is very brave.  She had no hesitation about riding a zip line high above the lake.  Elio initially didn't want to do it but Amelia convinced him to try.  They climbed to the top of the launch tower but after Amelia went, Elio decided to come back down instead.  He tried to be brave!

The goodbye was hard for Elio also; he just didn't know how to handle it.  He even left at one point and watched us from the outside through the window.  Amelia wanted to give Elio a goodbye hug but Elio just couldn't do it.  He hugs other friends easily, but he couldn't hug her.  He kept his hands up behind his head and Amelia did the best she could.

Elio, Armand, Amelia and Julia
 

 

 

We have talked about making it a yearly tradition to meet Amelia and her family at Sandestin.  I think it would be great for the children to maintain their relationship and I look forward to bringing the whole family next time.

 

 

The boys and I returned to my mom's house for a few more day where we swam in the pool, played Mexican Train, ate a special dinner to celebrated Eiley's birthday and visited with friends.  And once we got the van jumped and bought a new battery, we were on the road home once again!